3 Keys to emotional resilience
Survival is moving forward despite what’s happening in your world. It is moving forward at all costs and feeling successful if you’re still moving and breathing. The experience of survival is like carrying a really heavy backpack that’s impacting your entire experience.
Resilience, by contrast, is being adaptive to the stress and crises in your life. You’re able to move forward but the experience feels lighter. Your backpack fills as you move, and you’re able to lighten it.
I see women surviving and telling themselves they’re being resilient. These are not the same thing. A client recently mistook her survival for resilience. You’d catch her saying repeatedly “I am still here,” mistaking her presence as the most important success metric. Unable to see the weight of her backpack.
There are three types of boulders — I call them the 3Ps — that make heavy backpacks feel impossible to lighten.
Personalization. Taking things personally. You blame yourself and see yourself as the reason something bad happened. You think poor treatment or untenable circumstances are because of some flaw in you. This is closely tied to the inner critic’s value judgment of you as a person.
Pervasiveness. Making the “bad story” about you the only story about you. You take the blame and make it about who you are as a person in every facet of your life: You didn’t do one thing poorly, but you do everything poorly. You squash yourself down to one dimension or one experience and make that the story of you and your life.
Permanence. You convince yourself that’s all you’ll ever be. No matter what you do, you’ll always be and feel bad and there’s nothing you can do to shift that reality. Whatever you feel right now is how you will always feel. The starkness of your experience at this moment will persist.
For example:
“I didn’t secure resources for my team because of my lack of narrative-building skills.”
“I am never able to communicate effectively. This is why my kid won’t listen to me.”
“The rest of my team’s future is in the garbage. We’ll never get to build cool things. This will sink me forever.”
Moving forward with a survivor mentality means holding all of those things and doubling down. Doing more. Keeping one foot in front of the other with that thinking constantly on your shoulder.
Moving forward with emotional resilience requires identifying and building a belief system counter to the 3Ps.
Not everything happens because of you. You’re not bad at everything you do. The setback doesn’t seep into all areas of your life. Your feelings will dampen with time. The sting in this moment will fade with time.
For example:
“I wasn’t able to secure resources for my team. I didn’t realize the company was so constrained and struggling to balance competing priorities. Next time I’ll do a bit more research to tighten my narrative.”
“While the work front is tough right now, I love the bond I’ve created with my kid during our nighttime routine. I’ve created a safe, warm end to their day.”
“I will look back on this next quarter with more space and perspective and won’t feel this bad forever.”
Call for Reflection:
Where do you know you’re moving forward, but simply surviving? Which boulder are you carrying? What will support you in setting it down?
Shine On,
Alicia