A common misconception about boundaries
Boundaries are always a big topic for women. When I took on a whole new role as a mother, boundaries became more critical for me. Life feels like a blend of all your roles. You’re doing a lot and contributing a lot to others, and you want to know your needs are valuable too.
That's where boundaries come in.
What does it mean to be a responsible and respond-able leader who has boundaries? I’ve already written about boundaries not once, but twice and there is still more to uncover.
A common misconception about boundaries
For most of you (and me), boundaries are new territory. You’re still figuring it out. For women, conditioned to focus on others first, looking toward your needs is a big change. A teacher recently reminded me, “The world rewards you when we overstep your boundaries.”
If the world rewards negotiable boundaries — or lack of boundaries — who will reward creating and upholding boundaries? Until very recently, I was expecting validation from the person I erected a boundary with. I wanted them to understand why the boundary was necessary and agree with it. I wanted them to see my need satisfied by the boundary as valid and valuable. I wanted their support.
Their support (or felt lack of support) was not the problem. The real problem was two-fold:
1. My inability to validate my own need.
2. Overriding my sense of when a boundary could meet that need.
Learning to validate my own need
The gateway to solving both problems started with looking inward. That required building a relationship with my emotions and my body — the two greatest signals for me. When I can feel emotional inside of me, indicating that something is off, I have to treat it as valuable rather than a nuisance I'd wish would disappear.
The first thing I feel is my own exhaustion. My throat constricts and I feel unable to take a deep inhale. I get panicky and feel rushed or ungrounded. I can feel a bit of resentment coming on. I dip into comparison, trying to tease out who’s right or wrong. When I’m in that place, I know I’m failing to see the real, unaddressed need.
Once I can identify that need, I have to see its value. That isn’t my natural tendency. I tend to see myself as flawed for having the need. I may judge myself for not being more flexible or easeful. I’ve internalized “flexibility” and “ease” as ideals of what a woman should be, based on messages from society.
Knowing when a boundary can meet my need
When I can see my need as valuable, I’m better able to set a boundary. Knowing its value shifts what’s needed to set the boundary. I find the thing I can ask of myself, not someone else. A boundary is very rarely about needing something from someone else. Rather, it’s something I set with myself to meet my own needs.
For example, the number of decisions I have to make on a daily basis is draining me. I've historically tried to tell other people I want to make fewer decisions.
In doing so, I ask them to take on more of the decision making. Yet they come to me with questions, and I think to myself, "Did they not hear me?" My response is to stir up the same cycle of reiterating what I need and why.
When I remove the need for them to validate my logic and do something different, I take back my authority. In this case, I stop answering their questions.
The other day someone emailed me to say, "We could do x, y or z." Normally I would give the answer, which would be crossing my own boundary. Instead I replied, "Any would work for me," and I didn’t pick up the decision. I honored my own need by upholding a boundary.
When I created an action that honored my own boundary, the action itself became self-validating. Any questions I held about the boundary disappeared in the shadow of my own validation.
Call for reflection:
What is something you’re waiting for someone to do for YOUR boundary? How can you take back your authority?
Shine on,
Alicia