Hear ‘yes’ the next time you ask for something
This is a tactical continuation of last week’s newsletter. If you didn’t read that article, please review it here for added context.
Asking for help is one avenue for increasing your leadership capacity. I’ve developed a framework to support your ability to ask for and receive help. When you know where you stand within this framework, you can make more active choices.
You might have a specific ask in mind, or you can think through where you tend to operate and move the needle more broadly.
Introducing the framework
There are four scenarios at the intersection of asking for and receiving help:
You do not ask for help and you do not receive it.
You do not ask for help, but you receive it.
You ask for help and receive it.
You ask for help and do not receive it.
We’ll explore each quadrant one by one.
Powerless: Do not ask and do not receive
When you do not ask for help and do not receive it, you are powerless. The power to meet your needs or create an impact is in others' hands. You have not taken responsibility for either. We tend to live here because of the conditioning we reviewed last week. People sticking to this quadrant in the framework often feel one of two ways:
Burnt out, isolated, futile, flailing or unseen.
Capable and proud of your ability to do everything yourself.
While tempting, staying here will definitely limit the impact you’ll have. When you think of an executive or senior leader, it's easy to tell they've had to learn to ask.
Hidden Powerless: Do not ask and receive
This quadrant of the framework is a fantasy. We all want to receive help without having to ask for it. Again this is part of the social conditioning we receive. But this quadrant comes with substantial risks:
We don’t recognize the help because we haven’t risked anything (asked) to receive it
The help we receive doesn’t quite fit. Maybe it’s more or less than we need.
The help we receive doesn’t have the impact we need.
Imagine someone buying you silver jewelry when you only wear gold. Or a colleague giving you advice or perspective that doesn't match your scenario. Or a boss pointing you in a direction you already tried. Or a leader offering you a suggestion that doesn’t address the real challenge you’re having.
Unless someone knows you very well, the help you receive will not deliver what's needed. Thus, the predominant feeling of this quadrant is frustration. I call it hidden powerless because the person giving you something holds the power. They've taken more responsibility than you.
If what they offer does miraculously meet your needs, the sense of power you might feel is fleeting, because you haven't meaningfully contributed.
Power: You ask and receive
This quadrant feels powerful. It instills a sense of hope and momentum. You feel good and connected to the people you’re in this relationship with. If the fit is right, the people satisfying your asks will admire you and see your courage. They too will feel closer to you, and there will be a sense of magnetism and trust between you. This can create purpose for people, because you've given them a way to impact you. They can even feel flattered for your asking or seeing something in them.
Learning: You ask and don’t receive
We don’t always receive the support we are wanting. People do say no. Their no is often not about you. I call this quadrant learning. If you find yourself here often, run through these checks to increase the chance of hearing "yes”:
Are you going to the hardware store for milk? We cannot ask our friends for help in areas that make them very uncomfortable. We cannot ask professional contacts for things far outside their competence or character. Does the person you asked have experience with or access to the things you need?
Did you give it the focus it deserves? How did you ask for it? Was it in the last five minutes of a 1:1 with your boss or employee, when your partner walked in the door from a long day? Or in a one-sentence email without any context? Did you consider the profile of the person who can best support you? Did you build intention around it, determining why you are asking? Did you give yourself space to sit with the question of what you are wanting or needing? Or did you shoot out a request in a second the moment your frustration peaked?
Did you give a why? Did you share what’s at risk if you don’t receive help? Did you attach a feeling the ask will satisfy or what not having it will perpetuate? It's different to share that you’re feeling stuck and want to explore a different path in your ask than without any context.
Did you give a why them? Did you share with the person why you’re asking them, specifically? What qualities do they possess? What do you admire about that? What interests you about this person? Be complimentary.
Were you specific? How specific were you with what you are wanting from a particular person? Was your ask clear enough for them to know quickly if they are able to help you? How much effort does their offering you support require? A clear ask increases ease.
Were you flexible? An ask without flexibility is a demand, not a request. Did you give the person you asked the opportunity to point you to someone who may be a better fit? Did you allow them to suggest something they are better able to do to support you? Did you give them flexibility in the timeline?
Call for reflection:
What is one thing you can do to improve your asking for help?
Shine On,
Alicia
(Image by Tim Mossholder via Unsplash)