How I owned a false truth
My first exposure to coaching was from having my own coach. I worked with a coach for several years when I ran strategic partnerships for a tech org. Access to him was part of a leadership development program I participated in.
It's been 10 years, but I can still remember a particular coaching session with him. I was struggling to make decisions. And had a lot of fear getting in my way. My coach wanted to teach me a lesson by highlighting an experience he had in his own life. He described his process in deciding what color to paint his deck at home. In the early part of his process, he wanted to ask other people what color they thought he should use. He tried to delegate the decision-making since he was unsure what color to choose himself. Over time, what he came to realize was he had specific preferences that no one else could address. No one could make the decision for him.
What is yours to own?
What I now understand about my own struggle in making decisions at that time is my coach was only half right. Yes, I had preferences. And yes, I owned the ultimate authority on many decisions. But his approach failed to acknowledge my company’s impact on my decision-making.
My company’s lack of trust in my decision-making also influenced my hesitancy. Even if I'd started with confidence and clarity, hesitancy would develop over time. Senior leaders questioning me - and not to develop me but to poke holes in my approach - had an impact. That impact was sowing doubt and hesitation in my thinking. And decision-making process.
A better approach to right-size ownership
My coach failed to see the systemic influence on what was showing up for me in our coaching sessions. I would've benefited from his asking me how my hesitancy made perfect sense. He could’ve assumed that my approach was valid based on my experience. And been curious about what experience I must have had that would result in the level of hesitancy I was carrying. It makes sense to develop hesitancy when your capacity to make decisions gets questioned. That question - how does this make sense - surfaces systemic influences that inform your strategies.
You can update your view
Last week I faced several scenarios that required clear and fast decisions. Watching myself meet those demands astounded me. I was proud of my decision-making capability. Seeing that in myself immediately brought me back to this coaching experience. I wondered how I could've walked away needing to improve in my decision-making. How had I taken on responsibility for something that wasn't mine to own?
I was able to update my view of myself to acknowledge my skill in decision-making. I wasn’t bad at making decisions. I was having a hard time leveraging that strength in my environment.
Why discernment is so important
When you skip over systemic influences on your experience, your self-view gets distorted. You'll take blind ownership of all roots of your challenges. You’ll hold more responsibility than is necessary. You’ll spend your time, energy, and attention focusing on things that are not yours to own.
That question - how does this make sense - won't free you from making necessary changes. But it invites compassion and understanding. It allows you to see when something is not your problem but is your responsibility to address.
My hesitancy was an inherited problem. And I still needed to address how it was influencing my ability to have the impact I desired.
Call for reflection
How does a challenge you are facing make perfect sense?
Shine On,
Alicia
(Image by Brett Jordan via Unsplash)