How to stop one of the biggest ways you discount yourself
Not too long ago we were leading a program looking at a sticky topic for many women - boundaries. Part of the way we hold space for women is by taking the air out of women’s tendency to say they are bad at something.
Instead of asking if you are good with boundaries..
(we would hear a resounding no)
We ask “what is a boundary you set recently?”
When we do this, magic happens.
A laundry list of damn good examples of wonderful boundary setting emerge. The brilliance of the women who share surprises them (for the record, we are never surprised). And women learn from and inspire one another.
But even when all this unfolds, the temptation to discount yourself is so tempting. It finds another way into the conversation. And it sounds a little something like this.
“Yeah but...it’s been so long since I have been in that situation, I am not sure I could do it again.”
Do you hear that?
It sounds a little like, woah, stand down. Don’t get too excited. Don’t get carried away. It was only ONE time. Ugh, I want to squash it all down as I write this.
We do this thing - discounting ourselves - in two big ways.
First, we hold onto our mistakes and losses WAY stronger than our wins. For example, we may have received negative feedback years ago from a shit boss. And yet we still operate as though we are one inch from receiving the feedback again. Even though YEARS have passed.
Second, we hunt for reasons why it is not repeatable. The person is different, the season is different, the day of the week is different, we gave up gluten and our mood is different. Yes, we can stretch this REALLY far. We hyper-focus on what is different from one situation to the next rather than what is the SAME.
You have likely received messages that you don’t quite have what it takes. Some overt and some covert. And unless you are a robot, you have internalized those messages. Sometimes without even knowing it.
Some portion of your actions honor those internalized messages. All of which are holding you back in your career in some way.
You may not be able to change if you have received (or still get) those messages. Assholes will be assholes.
Where you do have choice is in whether you continue to live and lead in ways that suggest those messages are true. We want you to change how you treat yourself. By cutting through the doubt.
What does that look like?
Next time you find yourself thinking to yourself or saying out loud something like…
“But this situation is different...therefore I can’t do it,” STOP YOURSELF.
Instead, ask yourself “what are 10 opportunities where I could repeat this same thing by the end of the week.”
For example, one place I am stretching right now is in asking for help. I managed to do it in a BIG way, but it was a little out of necessity. I could say “but I won’t be able to do it when I don’t HAVE to do it.” The alternative approach I am suggesting is to identify 10 more ways to ask for help within the week. The why behind my asking for help may be different, but I am still building that muscles.
The large quantity (10) and the time pressure (by the end of the week) are critical. Don’t skimp on those details.
Suddenly, you will find ways to repeat the wins, even in "different" situations. You will know how to BRING MORE OF YOUR BRILLIANCE TO MORE PLACES.
And the world needs you to do that (trust, us).
Shine On,
Alicia