Overcome the biggest hurdle in asking for help
We used to ask women in our programs to reflect on the requirements for being a good woman. This was an exercise in inventorying messages they'd received from their worlds.
We heard over and over again that women measure their worth by how much they can handle and how they handle it.
This message is woven into a narrative about not being needy. To be satisfied with what you have and to not make a big fuss about it. The bottom line is to do it — and “it” could be anything — alone.
These are patriarchy-designed messages. Women uphold these messages by 1) believing they're true and 2) honoring them with their behavior.
The problem is that great leadership is not done alone. Great leaders ask for help.
Doing that, for women, requires smashing at least some of the patriarchy’s design.
How to ask for help in a helpful way
Once you accept that help is a good thing, the next question is “What do I ask for?”
Most people start by identifying gaps in your knowledge and seeking out those who can help you fill those gaps. Rarely does this reduce your overwhelm or help you get unstuck.
The missing key is not WHAT you want support about, but HOW you want to be supported. The latter is about how you want someone to be with you.
When you answer that question for yourself, you expand what you can get support around.
We want to make this easier for you by giving you a list of types of support.
Is it helpful when someone:
Offers you their wisdom and experience.
Helps you identify your purpose and connects you to that vision.
Responds with empathy, validating your humanity and your experience.
Challenges and expands your perspective, offering you different ways of seeing something.
Helps you navigate your situation with tangible contacts and suggested approaches.
Pushes you to grow, learn and hit milestones.
Holds you accountable to your vision.
Celebrates your successes.
Dreams alongside you and further sparks your creativity and innovative thinking.
Agrees with you and makes you feel less alone in your perspective.
Builds you up by helping you see the positive sides to what’s in front of you.
Offers humor to lighten the burdens you carry.
Helps you think through options.
Links what you’re navigating to their own experience.
Gives you space to vent so you can clear your head.
Plays back what they hear to deepen your understanding of what you’re navigating.
That list isn’t exhaustive, but it’s a starting point. Review it, and notice what sticks out as your preference. If you aren't sure, what do you imagine would feel good?
There’s no right or wrong answer.
Play around by asking for different types of support from different people. Entering a conversation with an explicit desired type of support increases your capacity as a leader.
Call for reflection:
Where are you stuck right now? Reach out to someone and ask for their support. Be specific about the type of support you’re seeking.
Shine On,
Alicia