There is value behind your complaints
Society teaches women not to complain. We receive messages that we should take what we get and feel satisfied.
We hold a radical idea about the complaints inside of you. Behind every complaint lies an unexpressed request. Those requests are valuable insight about what you want and need.
The key is to recognize your complaints and to articulate those requests.
When you begin to see your complaints as valuable insights, you can advocate for what you want and need inside of relationships. You can do this by designing an alliance with others.
What is a designed alliance?
A designed alliance is a process that establishes shared agreements and aligns expectations in a relationship. The conversation surfaces the desires of each person and the group as a whole. It explores, in partnership, how the relationship can serve those desires.
This process creates relationships that are empowered, because they’re consciously co-created.
This is important because relationships are the center of leadership. Relationships designed through an alliance allow the individuals and group to flourish.
Designed alliances surface misalignment in communication preferences and working styles early. They offer an opportunity to plan for those and make modifications as necessary.
They create a conversation around things like:
How conversations start. It helps me when conversations begin with a clear outcome.
What feels supportive. I feel supported when you acknowledge what is working before making suggestions.
How to handle differences and conflicts. I can get heated in conflict and may need to ask for a pause so I stay in integrity.
What each person needs from the other to stay engaged. I stay engaged in conversation when I understand why we are discussing something.
How you’ll know when each person needs help. I will explicitly ask when I want your help, but I may not always know what I need.
How you want to receive feedback. I prefer feedback in real time when the thing we are discussing is fresh.
How to best bring one another into a project. I’m always happy to help, and it energizes me to know why you’ve chosen me.
After you make any statement, open the conversation to understand the other person. Ask “what about you?”
Where differences emerge, you can determine together how to address those differences.
Designed alliance example
A lot happens between opportunities to connect with one another. When this happens, you enter calls with different needs and desires than others. None of this is intentional or malicious. It just is.
You can design your alliances around this.
You can kick off our call asking “what would you like to get out of this call today?”
Once you have the full picture of everyone’s needs, you can collaboratively decide where to begin. Doing this up front supports you in giving each item the time and attention it needs.
The benefits of designing alliances
It’s easy to make assumptions about others. Your brain does this by design to reduce overload. You assume others think like you, share your experience, and hold the same needs and wants. We all do this, but these assumptions aren’t true.
Having designed alliance conversations hinders the assumptions from damaging the relationship.
This process also reduces resentments.
Unspoken expectations become future resentments. A proactive conversation about expectations allows each person to advocate for their needs. And to make choices to reduce resentments toward the group.
The beauty of these alliances is they happen in connection with one another. It frees you from figuring out everything in a vacuum. You no longer have to make guesses about other people.
Design the alliance regularly
Designed alliances aren’t something you do one time. Determine a set schedule within the alliance building to revisit it.
You can also revisit a specific element of the alliance as circumstances change. Or as any member of the alliance has a shift in what they want or need.
You’re a human being who’s growing and changing. This process supports the changes within you and within group members.
Start simply
Initiating these conversations can be intimidating. Despite the importance of relationships in leadership, relationships are rarely designed. Doing so is a radical act worth your energy.
We have a few conversation starters for you to make it easier:
This relationship is important to me, and I want to do my part in making sure we’re set up for success. Are you open to a conversation around how we can best support one another?
I’ve noticed I’m feeling ______ when we meet as a group. Can we take a step back and have a discussion to revisit what each of us is wanting? I'd like to align expectations in service of meeting our goals.
Call for reflection:
Where do you find yourself complaining about someone? What’s the unexpressed request beneath your complaint?
Shine On,
Alicia