What is appropriate, anyway?
One of the main outcomes for women who join our program is knowing and living into leadership their way. They believe they can do things unconventionally because they’re in a group of women doing things unconventionally. Each in their own way.
This is a radical shift.
Most of these women work in an environment where conventional leadership is prominent, widely perpetuated and rewarded.
The power and satisfaction when they embody leadership their way is tangible.
Yet, there’s a nagging feeling in the background: “Is this appropriate?”
This feeling tends to rise up when they take actions aligned with leadership their way, because it means stepping outside of the lines of what’s expected.
Who defines appropriate?
The concept of appropriateness depends on someone to define what’s appropriate. Who defines it determines what we consider appropriate. As a leader, you have to choose who determines what’s appropriate.
If you look to people toward the top of the organizational hierarchy to determine whether your way of leading is appropriate, you may not get a yes. If you lead according to their guidance around what's appropriate, you'll get the "yes." And you'll also perpetuate the status quo. I know you don't want that.
Don’t ask the people who hold power
The reason those in higher positions with power are not a good compass is twofold.
First, they hold power, and that benefits them. Only a small (and hopefully growing) group of people are willing to give up their power for the greater good. But that's rare.
If leading your way indicates they may lose power, they’ll deter you. They may question your approach and guide you back toward conventional. You'll feel doubt about yourself. This isn’t necessarily conscious or malicious. It’s not even about right or wrong, but rather about what you want to create.
Second, they’ll suggest what’s worked for them, and it may not work for you. The world sees their power and their visible identities (likely white and male) and responds differently to them than to yours. What’s appropriate in their eyes may never work for you. This results in you feeling stuck despite a lot of effort.
That can be both daunting and liberating.
It can be daunting to find your own way to create the impact you most want to create. It requires a lot of experimentation and a decent amount of facing failure. It’ll demand honesty and a deepened relationship with yourself.
The liberation lives in the sense of satisfaction and security that emerges. This is the gift of leadership your way. You begin to see how you can define anything for yourself, even success.
Who you can look to instead
If you take the higher-ups out, you develop alternatives to determining appropriateness.
My high dream for you is that you look inward to determine whether something is appropriate. A "yes" becomes anything aligned with the knowing that lives deep within yourself. If what you’re choosing is in congruence with what you’re wanting, then it’s appropriate — even if it’s messy and unconventional.
The bonus place to look is a group of people who will support you. This group has to honor the integrity you’re building with yourself and be willing to help hold you accountable to that with love. In other words, you can ask “is this an appropriate way for creating what I want,” and they can answer that with you in mind.
Call for reflection:
What’s one impact you’re wanting to create in your world? Write out 20 appropriate ways of doing that.
Shine on,
Alicia