You might be right
One of the agreements we build into our programs centers on advice. We request that participants ask whether someone wants advice before giving it.
Advice is only one form of support. Culturally, you're likely very accustomed to giving and receiving advice. But it's not always the support someone wants.
Even still, when you request advice from those around you, it may not be all that helpful for several reasons:
The person offering feedback may have different resources from you, making their suggestion unrealistic for you.
Their advice may not feel relevant to your situation.
They may have a different set of values and thus their feedback doesn’t satisfy what you want.
And that want — whatever you're looking to achieve or navigate — may be different from others' wants.
I could continue to list all the reasons why the advice you receive isn’t always helpful even when you ask for it, but let’s leave it at that.
Why it’s so hard to not follow advice
The challenge I find when women fall into this trap — asking for advice and then finding it unhelpful — is that you feel obligated to take the advice. And if you don’t take it, you feel like you have to explain yourself. You don’t want to hurt the feelings of the person who gave you the advice.
That fear only grows if they follow up with you wanting to know what happened after taking their advice. You don’t want to make them think their idea or suggestion was wrong. The good news is you don’t have to.
Neither of you is right or wrong
The good news is that advice is not good or bad. Right or wrong. You might see the value of advice is binary, because that view makes things feel safe and certain. But nothing is binary — advice included.
There is nuance in advice’s value and applicability — much of which I outlined at the start of this article. This fact gives you the freedom to NOT take advice and still not make the person wrong.
They might be right. What they offer you might be the best course for their perspective, life, values, resources, dreams and goals. But you're not them. How you each navigate even a very similar problem might look different. And that's OK. Neither of you is right or wrong.
How do you address the advice not taken? You don’t have to.
If you want to, you can acknowledge their advice might not be the right course of action. It's a leadership opportunity to acknowledge your choice. It's also an opportunity to name what's important to you.
A bonus benefit: When you reframe advice away from a binary right and wrong, you create an openness to ask for more advice. Knowing you don't have to take the advice — and that not taking it doesn’t make the other person wrong — provides freedom.
A personal example
I recently chose a course of action my mom disagreed with, and she let me know. In doing so, she gave me advice about how to think about things. She wanted me to approach what was upon me in a manner that she’d approve of, one that would benefit her.
My initial impulse upon receiving her advice was to prove her wrong. To point out the flaws in her thinking and how they don’t apply to me based on my circumstances.
I didn’t do that (hey, respond-ability). I replied by first acknowledging her feelings (hurt and disappointed). Then I cleanly stated, "You might be right about everything you outlined.” And then I let her know I was choosing something different and a bit about why.
You know what happened? My reply diffused the situation. More importantly, it gave me the freedom to not take her advice and to feel more grounded in my own decision.
Call for reflection:
What advice are you following that isn’t working for you? Give yourself the freedom to choose a different course of action for yourself.
Shine On,
Alicia