‘No’ is a complete sentence, but it doesn't have to be

I connected with Kimberly DeSimone last week before being on her Advancing Women Podcast. Our discussion grounded me further in my work with women. Insights from conversations with thousands of women are the fuel for all my work. They drive the articles I write and the 100+ experiences I’ve designed for women. The joy in Kimberly is that she's a Ph.D. and has the hard data to validate my insights from conversations with women.

One intersection in our work is knowing that leadership best practices don’t translate for women. This is where the allure of mentorship falls down. Following what someone else did to achieve something won’t always work for you.

3 reasons best practices don’t translate to women

1. Many best practices come from a system not designed with women in mind. 

2. Society conditions women in ways that oppose what organizations expect and reward.

3. Bias is real.
    

Kimberly brought a poignant example of this into our conversation. There’s a lot of advice floating around about how “no” is a complete sentence. Its good intention is to save you on the time and engery required to explain yourself to someone. It’s meant to empower you to trust your no with no further explanation necessary. It seems simple and ignites a bit of a “hell yeah” response to the freedom it could create for you.

That might work — without the existence of bias. 

But bias creates a unique problem for women who use that strategy. If you say no without further explanation, people will fill in the gap of why for you. They’ll invent a narrative that might not be true. With bias, that narrative will likely include you not being capable. Or not belonging where you most desire to go. 

That narrative might include:

• “Women don’t belong in the workplace.”

• “Women aren’t interested in this kind of work.”

• “This woman has too many demands to do the good job we need."
   

This isn’t fair, but you have to acknowledge the existence of this bias, whether in decisions about you or in decisions you make as a leader. Ignoring it puts you at a disadvantage. 
 

How to consider the bias to your advantage

Stop and ask yourself, "Is the assumption this person is likely to make (because, bias) true for me?" If it is, great. Say “no” and nothing more. If not, consider a more detailed response. 

The more detailed response lets you own the narrative about you. And the narrative you provide can honor your experience in an authentic way. 
 

Narrative-inclusive nos

There are many no responses that let you own the narrative. 

When someone presents you with an opportunity for which you don't have the bandwidth, try:

“I’m honored you thought of me. I am currently focused on X and Y, and it’s important to me that I do those well, which requires my full attention. Please consider me for a future opportunity that has X, Y or Z components, because I know that’s where I add the most value.”

If you’re wanting to say no to work assigned to you, you can put the decision back on the person requesting the work. This lets you negotiate and maintain a manageable workload. Try this:

“This sounds really important. I understand the current priorities to be X and Y, where I am currently focused. Where does this fit in?”
 

Call for Reflection: 

Where is it important that you own the narrative of your nos? How might you give context that honors your reality?

Shine On,
Alicia