Not all listening is created equal

Imagine you’re telling a friend about a work challenge. As soon as you say a sentence or two about your challenge, the conversation shifts. You realize you’re now the listener. You tune into your friend sharing a similar experience from their life. Your challenge is now in the background. You’ve been left behind in the conversation.

This happens all the time. And while it can offer some benefit — feeling less alone in some way — it isn’t exactly quality listening.

Early in my coaching career, I often worried about the value I delivered to my clients. I questioned whether it was enough. 

At the time I was working with a coach to create clarity on what I wanted and to help me stay the course. As I paced around the living room of my apartment listing all my fears on one of our calls, a loud “STOP” interrupted my thoughts. She held the silence for a moment to slow me down and offered her wisdom. “All you have to do is listen.” 

She reminded me there is a lot you can do with clients, but delivering an experience of someone feeling really heard is a priceless gift.

I have come back to her wisdom so often in my work. Quality listening is a skill you can learn as long as you’re willing to work on it. 

3 levels of listening

In our programs, we contextualize listening experiences by introducing the three basic levels of listening defined by Co-Active Training Institute. 

Level One: Self focus

Level one listening is where most of us spend our listening time. It keeps the focus on you. In the example above, a level one listener would be filtering what they are hearing through the lens of their experience. How they can relate, what they agree or disagree with, how what is being shared impacts them. 

Level Two: Speaker focus

Level two listening keeps the attention on the person speaking. It often includes open-ended questions to further understand the speaker. In the example above, this would be a slower uncovering of the nuance and layers of their challenge.  You'd want to put yourself in their shoes.

Level Three: Global listening

Level three listening is global listening. It’s the energy present alongside the words spoken or withheld. It involves the emotional tenor of a conversation. It’s the quality of the experience. 

Global listening is the listening present when you join a 1:1 meeting with your boss and know immediately something is off. It hangs in the air. 

The value of each level of listening

Level One listening deepens your relationship with yourself. It is where internal reflection and processing happens. It lets you witness your own experience in any interaction. 

Level Two listening mines for the depth and texture of the other person’s experience. What is it like in their world? When done well, your curiosity invites them to explore their own experience with fresh eyes. 

Level Three listening tunes into what’s not being said. It puts a label on the vibe or the atmosphere created in the background of any conversation. It is powerful to name the unspoken, because it addresses a larger spectrum of what is really present. It’s the pause of “really” when someone says “I am fine,” yet you know they are not. 

Levels Two and Three listening are under-utilized and so valuable. Great leadership shines when these two levels are well developed. 

How to listen more deeply

We have two invitations to deepen your listening repertoire. 

The first is to notice what it’s like to be listened to at each of these levels. What’s it like to be listened to at Level 1? Level 2? And Level 3? How might that inform how you listen to others?

The second is to practice listening from Levels Two and Three.

A simple practice for Level Two is to ask open-ended questions. Lead with an intent to deepen what the other person is sharing. For example, “what was that like?” or “what about that was challenging for you?” or “wow. What else happened?”  These are questions that keep the focus on the other person’s experience.

For Level Three, pause in the middle of any conversation and ask yourself about the energy of the meeting. How does it look and feel? Giddy with excitement? Total snooze-fest? Tense? Relaxed? How might noticing these qualities inform the way you show up or what you choose to offer in the meeting? 

Call for reflection

What is one area of your life where quality listening is not happening. How might you be a leader in the conversation to create a different experience?

Shine On,
Alicia