The big B word — Boundaries

I’m exploring a new client partnership with a woman facing two big leadership challenges. She wants to set her organization to run without her and she is on the cusp of becoming a mother. We connected last week for a trial coaching session to dive into a topic keeping her up at night.
 
She joined our session with a topic we discuss with women all the time: Boundaries
 
She was clear on what she needed (a BIG win already). Some of the dynamics in her relationships needed reimagining. She was aware that they couldn't continue without revision as she welcomed her kid into the world. She knew her capacity would decrease. It already was. She needed to do less and for them to do more.
 
Like so many women we speak with, she viewed boundaries as limitations she was placing on others. She had already stretched herself to verbalize what she needed and her efforts fell flat. No one was honoring her boundaries. She continued to repeat herself, but nothing seemed to change. 

There are two BIG lessons about boundaries in her story.

The first is around the felt limitations of boundaries. Yes, for boundaries to bloom, relationships often need to change. Those shifts impact other people. That is one way of looking at boundaries.
 
A more empowered view shines a light on what is possible with boundaries. You are saying YES to something as a result of setting the boundary.
 
In this woman’s case, she was saying NO to being the primary anchor for others. In doing  so, she was saying YES to the energy needed to nurture her growing baby who would meet the world soon. She was saying YES to her health. She was saying YES to the vision she had held for years about becoming a mother. She was realizing a dream.
 
The second is around the necessity of honoring a boundary. It is so hard to even verbalize a boundary that we want the rewards to come immediately. I wish that were true, but it is rarely that simple. Boundaries demand a reorientation that takes time to emerge. It is almost always a process of trial and error.
 
There is a dance that happens between people that is automatic. Think about it. When you meet with a friend or your boss, you know the rhythm you can expect. The details may shift, but the flow is largely the same.
 
Many people set boundaries by asking someone else to change their moves. That is how they think they can change the whole dance. When their feet collide and things get messy, they reiterate how you want them to move their feet. The more powerful way to change the dance is to change your moves. The dance cannot continue in the same way when you change your moves.
 
For this woman, she kept voicing to people that she needed space for support. When that space did not emerge, she would reiterate that was what she was needing. That is a bit like telling them to change their moves. The alternative required her to change her moves. To not fall into the automatic dance.

• She brainstormed a few ways to do this.

• She could meet one on one with people rather than in a group where the barrier to taking up space was lower.

• She could cut shorten meetings so she didn't run her tank empty on supporting others.

• She could start conversations with her needs first before offering support to others.

She needed to name the boundary AND decide how to respond to honor that boundary. When she took responsibility both parts, the possibility she wanted was possible.

Call for reflection

What is a boundary that you want to set? How will you honor that boundary?

Shine On,
Alicia