Your judgment has a very important message for you

Articles pointing to the gap of female leaders in organizations are not new. Sometimes the gap feels like it is getting wider. Add in COVID and the weight of it all feels so heavy. Women are having to make tough decisions about their careers.
 
It is no wonder that when you finally get a female boss (if you do), you feel hopeful about what lies ahead. There is reason to be hopeful. Brilliant female leaders are doing things differently. And many times, better. Looking at you Jacinda.
 
Why then, are women frequently let down when they finally have the experience of working with a female leader? 
 
I hear about this often and have struggled to understand it. 
 
A coaching colleague shared with me last week that she was noticing a trend with her female clients. Their biggest headaches involved their female bosses. We see this trend in our work too. A client recently expressed how unsettled she was by her managers lack of space for emotions. She had expected it from her female manager. She should get it.
 
Yet when I speak with female bosses, they are TRYING SO HARD. We all are. These leaders reiterate to me how much they care for their employees. They are leading with the intent of seeing and treating their employees like humans. They are experimenting with new ways to care for their employees as the pandemic drags on.
 
These are women leading with careful consideration. But the people they manage feel disappointed by their efforts. What has that be so? 

Here is the thing — the patriarchy lives in women too.

In our progams, we guide women to understand the impact of the patriarchy (and other systems) on them. Only then can they choose where to stop colluding with the patriarchy. And to begin leading with more of themselves, not less.
 
One way we see women colluding with the patriarchy is in expecting female perfection.
 
We expect perfection from female bosses. With male bosses, expectations are low. We’ve been there. It’s predictable. We’ve seen it go bad before. With female bosses, we pile on the same pressure that the patriarchy places on women. We expect flawlessness. Perfection. Often without realizing that is what we are up to.
 
Even more profound is that our expectations of them mirror how we hold ourselves. Again, expecting perfection.
 
Loosening the grip of perfectionism on yourself allows you to change how you treat other women. Bosses included. But don't do it for them. They are the bonus. You are enough reason to decide to buck the patriarchy's insistence of perfectionism.
 
How might yo do this?
 
When you find yourself judging another woman, identify what is causing your judgment.

What is it about them?
- The things they seem to care about
- Where they focus their time
- How they show up to different scenarios
- The choices they make
- What they should "know better" about
 
Just notice.
 
The next step is to acknowledge that what you are seeing in them also lives in you.
 
For example, you may find a female colleague caring about what others think about them. Find the part of you that also cares about what others think. Whatever you see in them also lives in you.
 
Treat that part of yourself with tenderness.
Speak to it with kindness.
Give it love.
 
Over time you will learn to love all the parts of you. The voice of the patriarchy will matter less. Because you will have built something stronger and more true for you. 

Shine On,
Alicia