The cost of following others

Serendipity led me to dinner with a high school friend and her parents in Palm Springs recently. Over appetizers we remembered how many (or really how few) times we’d seen one another over the past 20+ years. Her dad remembered something that rocked the way I’d viewed my reality.

A brief history of our friendship

This friend and I had gone off to college together. I had neither organization nor much guidance around deciding where to go to college. I applied to the schools my friends pursued. CU Boulder accepted both this friend and me. I’d never been to Colorado from my home in Minnesota. When she and her dad invited me to tour the campus with them, I said yes, and it was love at first sight. We left that weekend knowing we'd both attend school there.

After one semester, my friend transferred home. Her news surprised me — she’d been working to transfer for months without telling me. She didn't want to disappoint me. 

That didn't stop me from feeling disappointed. I couldn’t follow her anymore. I had to stay back another semester while working on my own possibilities to transfer. By the time that option opened, Boulder had become home. Our paths stayed diverged. 

What her dad shared at dinner was that he’d felt awful leaving me behind when they picked her up from campus. He felt like he’d let me down. 

Her dad had been carrying guilt all those years, but I was holding gratitude. Her leaving was an impactful, life-changing moment for me. 

What I gained when I could no longer follow

The moment my friend left campus was the first time I had to stop following other people. Had she not applied for a transfer in secret, I likely would have continued to follow her. Her leaving freed me.

I blossomed into an outdoor maven in the years that followed. My relationship to nature and the outdoors is an anchor in my life today. I wasn’t creating that life in her company, because it’s not part of who she is. 

This point — having to create your own path — will greet you several times over your life. Sometimes because people shift away from you, as my friend did. Other times because you outgrow the circumstances of your life and want something different for yourself. 

When to stop following others

You follow others because it works. Maybe you haven’t had a lot of guidance, like I didn’t when choosing a college. Delegating someone to guide you gets you somewhere. The world is full of options, and following others can reduce the overwhelm.

At some point that strategy stops working. Following others for too long requires you to ignore pieces of yourself that don’t fit in the path someone else has chosen for you. 

At some point, all those abandoned parts pile up. Your experience stops feeling good, and it becomes harder to ignore. You may feel discontent, unsatisfied, flat. Longing for something that's hard to pinpoint. 

If that’s you, I offer you a courageous choice. 

You’re in a moment where turning to others for the answer isn’t your most strategic move. Instead, stay with yourself. What’s missing? What do you know about what you’re wanting? 

The whole picture of what’s ahead may not be clear, but you do know something about your next step. Listen to that. Follow that. 

Call for Reflection:

Where are you following someone else's lead? How is that serving you? What's it costing you?

Shine on,

Alicia