The urgency you feel is valuable
I watched a woman interact with her male partner at a coffee shop earlier this week. She was both brilliant and deeply invested in her partner. He was less invested. It was goosebumps-on-my-arms obvious. I could see myself and so many of the women we connect with in her way of being.
Her partner was doing something that was working “fine.” He acknowledged it could be better, but was also “fine with it being fine.” The effort required to make it better outweighed the benefits for him. So he was proceeding along without making any changes.
The reason "fine" evokes discomfort in you
I could see this woman was visibly uncomfortable with fine. She was eager to make suggestions, jump in to support him and even take on some effort to create something more. She didn’t want to be in the land of fine. She wanted things to be better.
This is a small example that represents a much larger conundrum I see so many women navigating.
The system we operate in and our ways of working do not work for women. They satisfy a small fraction of what you want for yourself and leave a trail of longing and ignored possibilities. Those longings and possibilities keep you going.
You’re as uncomfortable with the current way as the woman in the coffee shop was with “fine.”
That prolonged discomfort creates urgency
What you do and how you work is fine for now, but you have a sense of urgency for things to improve. “For now” has been going on for a long time. It’s built up, likely for most of your career.
You’ve made do with a lot of less than ideal circumstances. You've adapted your style repeatedly to meet organizations and systems where they are. Now you need it to be different. Real soon. “For now” is expiring.
Not everyone holds the same urgency
The more privileged and dominant people in our systems can ride on fine for a lot longer than we can. They’re like the man in the coffee shop. They don't feel the urgency you have in your bones. They can proceed with what is. Maybe even actively resist any effort required to make things better.
And that approach makes sense.
They do less of that adapting you’re so accustomed to. They already feel like they can bring a decent amount of themselves into the office. They don’t have the same incentives to change things, because things mostly work to their advantage. They don’t have the same internal fire that’s desperate for change. Everything is fine for them. Good enough. They could go on as is with little cost.
What that difference in urgency costs you
You, on the other hand, are like the woman in the coffee shop. You cling to the possibility that things could be better. When you give voice to that possibility, you get just enough enthusiasm from others to make it happen. You work hard to turn that possibility into reality. That effort dissipates the worry in your heart. And the response you receive from all that effort can feel flat — under-appreciated and unrecognized.
That flat response can make it hard for you to see the value of your effort. It’s tempting to walk away. Or to continually contort yourself into accepting “fine.”
Hold onto the possibility
There’s no clear or right answer to navigate those differences in urgency. Almost any scenario has no “correct” answer. You may be in a place where you need to rest away from the action rather than enlivening the possibility you see. That’s an OK way to respond.
My hope for you is that disengagement doesn’t become your permanent resting place. There’s value in your discomfort. It’s indicative of something that’s important to you.
The world needs the possibility you hold in your mind and heart. And sometimes the world seems destined to bury that possibility. Your job is to keep it alive, even when the world isn’t validating it at this moment. Even if you’re resting away from taking action, don't back down from the possibility.
If enough women keep that possibility alive within us, things will change. If each of us keeps sparks of possibility burning inside ourselves, the system loses its power to extinguish us.
For each of you who relax into “fine,” there will be another woman pursuing possibility. We’ll hold a vision for what's needed and take turns being in action toward it as we each can. Together we will resist "fine."
Call for reflection:
What is the possibility you see in front of you? What will support you in keeping that alive even when it’s not validated by others?
Shine on,
Alicia