When jealousy can be a good thing
When we bring women together, there is often a deep curiosity about the adversarial dynamic present between women. Especially at work.
What paves the way for women to easily look down on one another? Or hold one another to a separate set of impossible standards we reserve only for women? Or puts us in a position to knock women down from their hard earned successes (even unconsciously)?
I used to deny that this dynamic existed.
Years ago I spoke on a Women in Power panel and a woman in the audience raised this same dynamic. I used my position of power as a panelist to deny it publicly (yikes). The moderator corrected me.
The audience member's question was a validation of the moderators professional experience. Her career was in media. An industry full of harsh treatment to women. Often from other women. Manipulating notes, covering camera lenses. Really overt tactics meant to throw her off her game and derail her work. At the time, my horror and shock overwhelmed me.
Now, I am more certain that many of you are nodding your heads as you read that story. You can see some version of that experience in your own career. One or more women knocking you down from a pedestal rather than pushing you up further into your success.
Our program participants remind us that dynamic exists.
Many women walk away from our programs with a new, hopeful way of relating to other women. (This is a gift that we hadn't intentionally designed into our programs).
So why does this dynamic exist?
The mainstream dialog around women in leadership today centers around scarcity. How few women are in the c-suite, on boards, in the upper echelons of management. In other words, women are bombarded with these messages.
This scarcity creates jealousy.
When we want something that is important and the world reminds us that there are very few of those opportunities, jealousy emerges.
This can be a promotion, a role, a seat at the table. Anything,.
The same thing happens when the messaging reminds us how hard is is to get any one of those things.
Their having them means that we cannot. Their very existence shines a light on our loss.
Jealousy is a fear based emotion rooted in the idea that we will lose (or never achieve) something important.
And when we are scared we have to defend ourselves or worse take other people down.
A nuanced difference is the emotion of envy.
Envy is an emotion rooted in the idea that we want something that someone else has. We can want something for them AND us.
When we can tap into this emotion, the entire experience changes.
Other women’s success can inspire us rather than scare us.
We can use envy to changing the narrative we hold about other women. And our response. Doing so is rebellious. We invite you to try it.
How can you do this?
Next time you notice yourself:
Talking down about another woman or
Even thinking negatively about a woman's success
First, accept yourself for where you are. You are where the systems within which you work designed for you to be. Fear and scarcity.
Then, ask yourself, what it is you are wanting for yourself. When you look at or engage with that woman, what it is that you see or imagine about her that you are wanting for yourself.
Last, acknowledge that desire in yourself. Love yourself and give yourself full permission to have that dream. No matter where you are on the journey to achieving it.
Shine On,
Alicia