Yes, you can

I have memories of being a young kid asking my teacher if I could use the restroom. I'd say, “Can I go to the bathroom?“ A teacher at my International school in England would reply, “I don’t know…can you?” She wanted me to ask permission to excuse myself. She instead heard me asking her whether I had the physical ability to go to the bathroom.

This one word — can — speaks to ability, not decision. My teacher wanted me to ask, in proper British formality, “May I go to the bathroom?” From there, she would grant me permission (or not). 

Fast forward 30 years, and the confusion about whether a woman can do something still persists. It becomes the only consideration in deciding whether you will do something. 

If you can do it, then you do. 

Many of the questions you field from those around you lead with the word can.

Can you

…check in with Sue to see what she is thinking?

…finish up the deck and send it around?

…talk to engineering to understand timing? 

…connect with the sales lead about positioning?

…schedule time for the two of us to connect further?

…take notes and send them around?
 

Yes, you can do all those things.

But it’s the wrong question to ask.

Collapsing the question of ability (can) with that of decision (will) creates issues for female leaders. 
 

Burnout, Stress and Overwhelm

Having more to remember and do than your system can handle drives burnout, stress and overwhelm. Taking on anything you can do without deciding whether it’s a valuable way to spend your time contributes to those experiences. Determining what’s valuable is a powerful antidote to time scarcity.

Stagnation

Filling your time with things you already have the ability to do leaves little energy to do things that require learning. This is the result of both not having the time and not having the mental capacity left for something new. Learning requires space and practice. You’ll grow the most by saying yes to something you don’t yet know how to do. That decision requires saying no to things you can do.

Undervalued

Many things you say yes to because you can do them are not that important. Some things need to get done, but they won’t move the needle in substantial ways. Further, they are things a lot of people can do, even if it’s at a lower level of excellence than you would bring to the task. This results in feeling like you’re doing a lot of work but aren’t seen or valued for your unique contributions.

What to Ask Instead of “Can I?”

Instead of asking “can I?” ask these three better questions:

Do I want to? You’ll have to do things you don’t want to do (hey, adulting) AND it’s a good practice to check in with yourself. Ask yourself if you have a desire to do something. Does it excite or energize you? Does the expected or possible result of your actions feel worth your investment?

Is it important? This question requires you to look at the purpose of the individual things you take on. Does it align with what you most want to create in your work and life? What would happen if you didn’t do it? Would something of high value come into risk? Is it a nice-to-have or a must-have?

Will I? This brings commitment into the equation. Something may be important, and there may be a good reason not to commit to doing it. The need might be better addressed by delegating the task to someone else. Or this might not be the season to take it on. This might result in a “not now” or “not me.”

Call for Reflection: 

What is one thing you want to consider before taking on work other than whether you can?

Shine On,
Alicia