Balance is bullshit
I want to believe that women let out a collective sigh while reading “Becoming” by Michelle Obama. In it, she wrote, "I tell women, that whole ‘you can have it all’ — nope, not at the same time; that’s a lie.”
With that line, Obama debunked the narrative that happiness comes from balancing the components of your life.
For me — and this was before I was a mother — the sigh was relief from my expectation that I would feel balanced in any combination of life components. Like many women, I’ve strived and tried to feel the balance that's promised if we just do it right. I’ve rearranged all the components countless times to fit everything into a very full life. No matter how any shift in the components looked, I never felt balanced.
An Oxford dictionary defines balance as “a condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions.”
“Correct”? For me, it never feels correct.
The tradeoffs are real. I feel them daily. Their existence is exactly what makes balance an unachievable dream.
Yet at least a quarter of women who enroll in our programs state a desire to find that elusive balance that's never quite in reach.
Today, I offer an alternative.
Instead of seeking balance, focus on active choice
One of our core principles is active choice. Active choice involves two main pieces — seeing yourself as the chooser and acknowledging that you are always choosing something. It means surfacing that choice.
This is the place I now point to when I'm considering where to focus my time and attention. What's most important to me, in doing this, is that I see myself as the chooser of both where I focus and where I don’t focus. Every choice has two sides — the thing you're saying yes to AND the thing you're saying no to. Balancing your choices by looking at the yeses and no's behind every decision may not lead to feeling balanced. And that's OK.
Here’s an example.
I'm going to use a small example to illustrate the complexity in any decision — even the ones that look small at first glance.
When I say yes to taking on a client in an Israeli-friendly time zone (where they live), here is the reality of that choice.
I'm saying yes to:
A new client who energizes me.
A sizable piece of revenue.
Further expansion of my business to international clients.
Asking my husband to do daycare dropoff during these calls.
A commitment to go to bed early on nights before I see this client.
Financial cushion to support our kitchen remodel.
Taking the pressure off my husband to earn a bonus this quarter.
My value of flexibility.
I'm saying no to:
A quality morning with my son.
My commitment to working hours I’ve set for myself.
Morning time allocated to writing or creative thinking despite that being the best time for me.
An agreed upon split for daycare drop-offs and pick-ups with my husband.
My morning routine on days when I’d see this client.
My value of abundance.
Active vs. inactive choice
Anytime I make a decision, there’s a subset of yeses and no's like this one. Regardless of whether I acknowledge them by listing them out, they’re there.
The active part of the choice is two-fold:
Whether I see the yeses and no's of any decision.
Whether I give myself permission to explore saying yes or no.
An inactive choice would not look or feel like I was making a choice, despite the fact that I am. I'd do it blind without consideration of the tradeoffs.
When I look at a choice in this way, I get to acknowledge the tradeoffs in my decision. I don’t have to pretend that the no’s are not there or that they could disappear if only I made a more correct decision. The no’s are a real loss and I'm still making the choice I made.
I appreciate that 1) I made a choice and 2) that choice was a real choice, with tradeoffs, about where to focus my time. And I hold myself in confidence that I approached that choice as a leader in her full responsibility.
Call for reflection:
What's your relationship with balance? Where might there be an opportunity to shift your expectations?
Shine On,
Alicia