The answer is not to crawl into a hole

Having a baby and becoming a mom in the pandemic was a wild experience. I hadn’t realized how many fantasies I had about what I would be like as a mom and how the transition would unfold.

Many of those fantasies faded as early as my first weeks of being pregnant. Others faded because the pandemic rocked our life. 

I had dreams of classes and community events where I’d meet expectant mothers who were due near the same time I was. I imagined myself joining new-mom groups to build community. Neither of those things happened. The community I live in is small, and no such things existed during the worst parts of the pandemic.

You know that old saying, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade? That was me.

I dug deep into my exhausted body for three of my strengths: initiative, facilitation and community building. With them, I could create what I longed to have.

Creating the space I desired  

I'm a person of depth. I was yearning to have open conversations about what was really happening as a new mom in this unprecedented situation. 

I wanted to explore the layer of motherhood no Instagram post or article highlighted. I wanted to explore the experience of landing as a new mom into a role inundated with advice and opinions. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. I wanted to share my wonder about how I had no clue what I was doing, despite all that advice. I wanted to examine the gigantic delta between my fantasy and my experience

I hung notecards on cork boards around town announcing a new group I’d created for pandemic moms. I emailed my care providers to enroll their help in spreading the word to their patients. Eventually I was able to pull a small group together. I kicked off our first call by designing our alliance. Then I opened the space for timed sharing on whatever was present for each of the women.

I shared my experience first. My intent in that choice was to set the tone that our space together could hold anything. I wanted everything and anything welcomed. To honor that intent, I shared a layer of my experience that was real, raw and vulnerable, a less discussed aspect about the journey into motherhood.

Setting the desired tone was not the impact I had on the group.

When intent doesn’t match impact  

The short story is that I scared the women. I waited eagerly in the deep end of the pool following my share to only be met with their dipping of their toes. Their shares were factual, emotionless and ended before their allocated time expired. 

They didn’t have to say they didn’t jump into the deep end for me to know my impact. I could sense their hesitation. It was in my holding of my breath and the lump in my gut.

It grew as they each avoided their turn to share. It shone in their blank stares. It lived in their discounting their experiences in comparison to mine.

I walked away from our first call defeated and feeling more alone than before we’d gathered. I wanted to call the whole thing off and crawl into a hole. To help me think straight, I called a friend for input. I trusted them because they’d seen me create a similar trap for myself before.

That friend held me with love. They reminded me that our initial attempt at satisfying our intent rarely does. They evoked my courage to stay with what I wanted rather than walking away. They encouraged me to trust what I sensed in my impact. They helped me unhook from needing validation for what I’d sensed. Then they helped me brainstorm how to own my impact.

The following week at group, I was able to clean up what I’d done.

I voiced my intent for what I’d shared in the first call and acknowledged that I’d shut them down rather than opened them up. I verbalized that I held no expectation around what they shared. I reiterated my desire to invite any experience no matter how different.

Over time, that depth I desired emerged.

Stay in the experience  

Calling a trusted friend always helps me, and asking for that help is a huge leadership strength. That call was an important factor in recovering the depth I desired.

Even before that, though, I had to stay open enough to sense the Level Three impact of my share. When my body wanted to bolt, I had to stay in the experience I'd created. I also had to stay with my desire and in connection with the group of women I'd enrolled. I needed to tend to the impact I’d had to create an opportunity to realign us back to my intention.

I didn’t beat myself up for not creating what I’d intended. I held myself with compassion. I didn't discount the strength of my desire for depth. I gave myself runway to recover back to my desire. 

Call for reflection:

Where are you wanting to create an impact? Try something and then stay long enough to recover back to what you're wanting.

Shine On,

Alicia