How to say no with generosity
My maternity leave is over. I am wrestling with what it looks like to do ALL the things with way less time. In other words, prioritize.
Being back only part time exacerbates this further. And because I love my work, I always have a million ideas and dreams about how to expand our business.
My old go to strategy when I failed to prioritize was to work more. Can anyone relate?
I have failed to learn this lesson many times, but one time in particular stands out.
In the middle of 2013 I moved back to the Bay Area to stand up my company’s San Francisco office. I was responsible for establishing and growing our partnerships with large technology clients. My company was fresh off the waves of Facebook’s IPO. A milestone that our technology had helped substantiate. It felt urgent to not let the momentum stall. Other companies wanted what we had provided to Facebook.
And my inner critic was running wild. I was reporting into a C Suite executive for the first time. I was new to a role tied directly to a revenue target. A lot of firsts that made me feel massively unqualified.
I took a long inventory on an Excel spreadsheet of everything that I could pursue. I thought I was being smart by assigning some timeline to each of the 50+ items. When I sat down to discuss it with my boss, Mr. C Suite, he said “you cannot do all these things.” Here is where I messed up. I made it my mission to do it all. I believed his comment was some sideways way of motivating me. That was not his point. He literally meant that I needed to eliminate things from the list all together.
And that feels really familiar to where I am right now. This is a lesson that I will have to learn over and over. I am a person whose ideas will always outnumber what is possible.
The challenge for me right now is that anything I let go of also feels like purging something that I value.
For example, coaching changes lives and I love to support women. I receive a lot of requests from women in the midst of launching their coaching businesses. The "I want to pick your brain" kind. Having one on one calls with these women is a path toward honoring my value of generosity. On the surface, each of these feels like a hell yes.
And yet, I don't really have the time. So what do I do?
I knew I needed to think about my challenge differently, so I tapped into the wisdom of a few women I respect. Their ideas blew me away.
The biggest aha came from considering the magnitude of my generosity. These 1:1 conversations extend generosity to ONE woman. What would extend it to THOUSANDS of women? It is not those 1:1 meetings. This made prioritizing easier.
The women offered more ideas on how to serve these women creatively. And in ways that are manageable for me (aka taking up less time).
Ask one follow up question as a way to vet their level of commitment. For example, what has your process been so far? Or, what resources have you found the most useful?
Create a Google document that answers the questions most frequently asked in these conversations. Or, record a video that outlines my perspective. Or an audio recording. Direct them there.
Invite them to enroll in a monthly recurring workshop (and get paid).
Say no to a call AND invite them to send over specific questions in email. These I can respond to with more flexibility.
I know I am not alone in my difficulty with saying no. Women in Western society are taught to say yes as our default. And to figure out how to make it work without complaint.
My group of wisdom women helped me see how daring to say no creates greater possibility. And allows me to feel empowered by having a set of standards on how I spend my time. Without sacrificing my values. In fact, honoring them further.
Reflection: What is one thing you want to say no to? How might doing so honor your values?
Shine On,
Alicia