How to stop saying yes all the time

It started out simple.

“I need to move our meeting to next week. Does the same time work for you?”

“Yes. It does.”

“I can’t make our call this morning. Can we push it to noon?”

I check my calendar and notice my block at noon is flexible (kind of). I move a couple of things around and reply “Yes. That is fine.”

Half way into the twice re-scheduled call time and I am alone on the line. Crickets.

Without notice, resentment boiled up in me. Once I recognized the resentment I was holding, I felt guilty. I judged myself for being resentful (who wants to be a resentful person)? Not me. I’ve spent nearly 10 years working to reduce my resentments. And yet, there I was resenting the meeting ghoster.

I paused to breathe (yes, to cool down). Then I took a closer look at the situation.

Beneath my yes was a sacrifice I made. And attached to it was an expectation about what would happen if I said yes.

The whole thing was OK for me until the part where I moved my flexible things around. The things that, in retrospect, I had saved for an uninterrupted Friday afternoon.

Sacrifice: moving my afternoon around 

Expectation: that the phone call would happen

And when the expectation was unmet (no show to the call), I got resentful. And that resentment ignited guilt. Women are supposed to be nice after all.

This is always the pattern.

You may not create an expectation until the 5th, 6th, or 7th time you accommodate a request from the same person. The sacrifice you make may not be an action (changing your schedule). Instead it could be a sacrifice of your values or intentions.

In my example above, I went against my intention of focusing my attention and energy towards people who are available. In making several accommodations, my action felt like doing the opposite of what I intended. 

Sometimes, the sacrifice is not in response to an explicit request.

It can be in response to something you feel - “no one else can do this”.

Other times, the sacrifice is a method, invented by you, to get something (better known as manipulation) - “I will work 12 hour days the next few weeks to earn the ability to present at the board meeting.”

When you are evaluating if you are making a sacrifice remember to look at the situation honestly and without self-judgement. 

Nothing good comes from beating yourself up. I promise.

Shine On,

Alicia