What makes a good boundary?
One of my clients noted in a session last week that she wasn’t good with boundaries. "Not good" for her meant someone hadn’t respected a boundary she’d set. What followed was a very big lesson for her.
Someone's respect for your boundary has no bearing on whether the boundary you set is “good.”
What makes a good boundary?
Boundaries, if designed well, create the opportunity for you to get more of what you (really) want, not less.
A life without boundaries is a life guided by what other people want and need from you. This leaves you out of the equation and takes away the responsibility you have for your own life. A boundary is a line you set that creates the space for you to have what you want and need. The boundary honors those desires.
When you set boundaries in service of what you want, more of what you want will follow.
Boundaries are about more than drawing the line
Your responsibility is not just setting the boundary. It’s also honoring that boundary.
Even when someone is unhappy with or feels hurt by your boundary, your role is still to honor the boundary. This doesn’t mean simply stating the boundary out loud again. It means choosing actions that honor your boundary.
The more you honor your boundary with action, the less frequently people in your world will step over it.
How do you know when it’s time to set a boundary?
Watch out for these indicators that you might need to set a boundary:
You catch yourself feeling stretched beyond your capacity.
You can’t locate yourself or your desires in anything you're doing.
You're doing things to get something (also known as making sacrifices).
What can help you identify a boundary to set?
Tracking your energy is a great way to identify a beneficial boundary.
Which things in your life consume your energy and leave you feeling drained? You may consider saying no to doing some of those things. Another option is to build a cushion around those things so you feel more resourced and are less likely to feel drained.
If you're feeling stretched, look to where you're holding responsibility.
Where are you taking responsibility for something outside of your control?
Where are you not taking responsibility for something inside of your control?
Identify a boundary that supports you releasing responsibility that’s outside of your sphere or taking responsibility for something inside of the sphere.
For example: You may be taking responsibility for the feelings of a team member.
A boundary you could set is engaging in a conversation only after they know what they need from you. From there, you can decide if that's something you'll do. If they can’t name something, you let go of your part in their feelings.
If you want to take more responsibility for their feelings, you could set a supportive boundary. That might look like not engaging in conversation until their feelings are clear to you.
Why boundaries fall down
Boundaries fall down when you doubt them. The single greatest thing I see obliterate boundaries is a belief that you're not worthy of them.
A deflated sense of self worth might make you feel like you're too much, too needy, too difficult or not flexible enough. When you lose sight of your own value, boundaries will be hard for you to honor.
When you believe in your self worth, setting and upholding boundaries becomes easier. Others honor and follow them because you're honoring them with your actions. That work begins with you.
Call for reflection:
If you believed you were worthy of anything, what boundary would you set?
Shine On,
Alicia